Primal Athletics Blog: News, Events, Promotions

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

Just Keep Swimming.

HEYYYYY FRIENDS!

So I haven’t blogged in a bit and I do apologize. Life has gotten crazy; I’ve suffered some substantial injuries, and I could go on and on with excused but I won’t. I want to get right to the nitty-griity, I want to get into how I’ve felt, how I’ve pushed through, and who has been there to help me.

First: Let’s talk about how injuries affect an athlete. Someone who has never suffered from a major injury might not have any idea that an injury is not only physical but largely mental. I fractured my back in August and was at an all-time low in my crossfit training throughout the end of the month, and through September. I was depressed that I couldn’t workout, I was depressed that the progress that I had made was going away, I was depressed that I was depressed. I was watching myself at one end of a rope watching it slip through my hands into a black hole. I was in a terrible place workout wise. I wasn’t eating terribly, but I wasn’t eating the best. I didn’t put on any weight, but I also wasn’t gaining any muscle. It was devastating. As I was struggling through this injury a few things happened. 1. I had three very important people pass away within a month of one another. It seemed as if my life was on a repetitive cycle of wakes, and funerals. I couldn’t get out of my own way, emotion wise. I was dragged down by sadness, and the inability to do anything to help anyone. I just didn’t want ANYTHING, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything either. I was an emotional mess. 2. I made excuses and got mad (and still do sometimes, I’m working on it, Em. I promise) when people called me out on it. I didn’t want to go to the box. I didn’t want to be talked to; I didn’t want to be pushed. I wanted to lie down. I wanted to just melt away. 3. I found my will power and fought back. I can’t say that it was instant, like an “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR?” moment but it was a realization that needed to happen for sure. (I’ll get more into this shortly.) My will power had been lost in depression; it was hiding deep inside me and it needed a way out. That way out just happened to be the “30 Day Challenge” and a goal setting program that I set up for myself. We can’t depend on people for a 100% regain of our will power and motivation but the challenge took some heat off of me and made it feel a lot less scary, 50% on me 50% on the challenge. In the end it’s 100% me but breaking it down this way makes me feel a lot better about achieving it.

Second: Getting back to the gym. This may sound really weird and even a bit foolish but going back to the gym was hard. I felt like I was going to be judged for being a spaz, for missing so much, for losing my gains. This was all of course in my head. I knew in my heart that none of this was real, I was creating my own daemons; I was creating excuses. I needed to (and did) push back on these excuses and get into the gym because I knew that once I got in there I would be accepted, I would be welcomed, and pushed. That first day back at CFN was anxiety ridden, and oh so frustrating. I wasn’t as strong as I remembered, and silly things had me winded. I was guilt ridden, and broken leaving. I missed the next few classes with a vow to start fresh on the following Monday. Well instead of waiting, I talked myself into going back that Wednesday. I went in Wednesday ready to lift, ready to kill the workout. I wanted to get my frustration out on some barbells, but that wasn’t going to happen. In true Crossfit fashion, what I had prepared for wasn’t what was being dished out. I was totally unprepared for the 5K that was now the WOD and was beyond angry. (Probably more angry than necessary.) I could have turned around when I heard that the WOD was changed, I could have pretended that I was never there, and snuck back into my jeep with my tail behind my legs but I didn’t. I knew that running the whole thing or even most of the 5K was going to be impossible because my back was still healing, and the jolting motion of running hurts it a lot, but I’d be damned if I just talked myself into coming here and not WOD’ing was going to happen. So, I walked, jogged, ran, walk-jogged and every variation in between. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I showed up, and finished what I set out to do and it felt great. I knew after this WOD that I was going to be back on track. It was just the beginning of my new journey and I wasn’t going to let mental blocks get in my way. Until …. The week after this WOD we ended up with another running WOD. I freaked out again, firing in rapid concession my anger, and hesitation to Emily, who in her own Emily way told me not to be a baby and do the WOD as intended and modify if I needed to. I told her I wanted to lift, and I wanted to do more weights rather than run. She, being my daily dose of reality, told me that I should really just do the WOD. She was right. I needed to do the WOD but I got grouchy, took out my misguided anger on her, and WOD’d in spite of it all. I felt 100% better once I had finished it, and wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Em’s voice in the back of my head telling me that I needed to. I’m forever in her debt for being that annoying (yet loving) voice that I can always rely on to bring me down a few notches and put me in my place. I owe you a lot. Thank you. (Including 15 bucks for the challenge, remind me to get that to you!)

Third: Getting back to where I was. Slowing I am making progress back to where I was at with my crossfit journey. I’m finally excited again for WOD’s, excited for lifting heavy and planning my goals for each workout. I’m still not excited about running, but I am getting better at it. I ran most of an 800M run last week, after rowing for 2500m and doing deadlifts. I think that over time my body (more my mind) will stop revolting at the idea of a run, and maybe I’ll start to enjoy it, or hate it less. Either way, I’m on my way. Since starting the Food Challenge at the gym I’ve felt better, I’m clear headed, and I have more energy, and am less bloated. Since WOD’ing again I’m in a better mood; smiling more, and getting out of my comfort zone with a little less complaining (running). I know that getting back to where I was over a month ago won’t happen overnight, and I know that it won’t happen in a week, but I know that with time and patience it will happen, and it will be better than I could have ever imagined.

I just need to keep swimming.
Read more

Just Keep Swimming.

HEYYYYY FRIENDS!

So I haven’t blogged in a bit and I do apologize. Life has gotten crazy; I’ve suffered some substantial injuries, and I could go on and on with excused but I won’t. I want to get right to the nitty-griity, I want to get into how I’ve felt, how I’ve pushed through, and who has been there to help me.

First: Let’s talk about how injuries affect an athlete. Someone who has never suffered from a major injury might not have any idea that an injury is not only physical but largely mental. I fractured my back in August and was at an all-time low in my crossfit training throughout the end of the month, and through September. I was depressed that I couldn’t workout, I was depressed that the progress that I had made was going away, I was depressed that I was depressed. I was watching myself at one end of a rope watching it slip through my hands into a black hole. I was in a terrible place workout wise. I wasn’t eating terribly, but I wasn’t eating the best. I didn’t put on any weight, but I also wasn’t gaining any muscle. It was devastating. As I was struggling through this injury a few things happened. 1. I had three very important people pass away within a month of one another. It seemed as if my life was on a repetitive cycle of wakes, and funerals. I couldn’t get out of my own way, emotion wise. I was dragged down by sadness, and the inability to do anything to help anyone. I just didn’t want ANYTHING, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything either. I was an emotional mess. 2. I made excuses and got mad (and still do sometimes, I’m working on it, Em. I promise) when people called me out on it. I didn’t want to go to the box. I didn’t want to be talked to; I didn’t want to be pushed. I wanted to lie down. I wanted to just melt away. 3. I found my will power and fought back. I can’t say that it was instant, like an “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR?” moment but it was a realization that needed to happen for sure. (I’ll get more into this shortly.) My will power had been lost in depression; it was hiding deep inside me and it needed a way out. That way out just happened to be the “30 Day Challenge” and a goal setting program that I set up for myself. We can’t depend on people for a 100% regain of our will power and motivation but the challenge took some heat off of me and made it feel a lot less scary, 50% on me 50% on the challenge. In the end it’s 100% me but breaking it down this way makes me feel a lot better about achieving it.

Second: Getting back to the gym. This may sound really weird and even a bit foolish but going back to the gym was hard. I felt like I was going to be judged for being a spaz, for missing so much, for losing my gains. This was all of course in my head. I knew in my heart that none of this was real, I was creating my own daemons; I was creating excuses. I needed to (and did) push back on these excuses and get into the gym because I knew that once I got in there I would be accepted, I would be welcomed, and pushed. That first day back at CFN was anxiety ridden, and oh so frustrating. I wasn’t as strong as I remembered, and silly things had me winded. I was guilt ridden, and broken leaving. I missed the next few classes with a vow to start fresh on the following Monday. Well instead of waiting, I talked myself into going back that Wednesday. I went in Wednesday ready to lift, ready to kill the workout. I wanted to get my frustration out on some barbells, but that wasn’t going to happen. In true Crossfit fashion, what I had prepared for wasn’t what was being dished out. I was totally unprepared for the 5K that was now the WOD and was beyond angry. (Probably more angry than necessary.) I could have turned around when I heard that the WOD was changed, I could have pretended that I was never there, and snuck back into my jeep with my tail behind my legs but I didn’t. I knew that running the whole thing or even most of the 5K was going to be impossible because my back was still healing, and the jolting motion of running hurts it a lot, but I’d be damned if I just talked myself into coming here and not WOD’ing was going to happen. So, I walked, jogged, ran, walk-jogged and every variation in between. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I showed up, and finished what I set out to do and it felt great. I knew after this WOD that I was going to be back on track. It was just the beginning of my new journey and I wasn’t going to let mental blocks get in my way. Until …. The week after this WOD we ended up with another running WOD. I freaked out again, firing in rapid concession my anger, and hesitation to Emily, who in her own Emily way told me not to be a baby and do the WOD as intended and modify if I needed to. I told her I wanted to lift, and I wanted to do more weights rather than run. She, being my daily dose of reality, told me that I should really just do the WOD. She was right. I needed to do the WOD but I got grouchy, took out my misguided anger on her, and WOD’d in spite of it all. I felt 100% better once I had finished it, and wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Em’s voice in the back of my head telling me that I needed to. I’m forever in her debt for being that annoying (yet loving) voice that I can always rely on to bring me down a few notches and put me in my place. I owe you a lot. Thank you. (Including 15 bucks for the challenge, remind me to get that to you!)

Third: Getting back to where I was. Slowing I am making progress back to where I was at with my crossfit journey. I’m finally excited again for WOD’s, excited for lifting heavy and planning my goals for each workout. I’m still not excited about running, but I am getting better at it. I ran most of an 800M run last week, after rowing for 2500m and doing deadlifts. I think that over time my body (more my mind) will stop revolting at the idea of a run, and maybe I’ll start to enjoy it, or hate it less. Either way, I’m on my way. Since starting the Food Challenge at the gym I’ve felt better, I’m clear headed, and I have more energy, and am less bloated. Since WOD’ing again I’m in a better mood; smiling more, and getting out of my comfort zone with a little less complaining (running). I know that getting back to where I was over a month ago won’t happen overnight, and I know that it won’t happen in a week, but I know that with time and patience it will happen, and it will be better than I could have ever imagined.

I just need to keep swimming.
Read more

The Darkside.

For the last couple of weeks my head has been in a really dark place. I have been in a funk, a haze; an overall incredibly un-Dawnlike mood.

Since starting Crossfit I haven’t found many days that I feel like this, my medications have been balanced out by the exercise, and my moods stabilized quite a bit. Crossfit has been a “wonder drug” in many ways but sometimes we have to talk about what happens when your “medication” fails.

For the most part of these past few weeks I’ve managed to save face while at Crossfit. I’ve smiled, joked around, and pushed as hard as my body and mind allowed but it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I saw my friends, my loved ones, my WOD scores, but they weren’t really there. I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since I was 15, so this is nothing new to me. I understand that there are ups and downs and for the most part I have had the depression/anxiety under control. I take medications to limit the depression/anxiety effects but sometimes those medications don’t work, stop working, or just aren’t enough. I try to surround myself with loving and caring people but again, sometimes those people aren’t enough. I also try to distract myself by reading, writing, or working out, again, sometimes that just isn’t enough. When what you think is enough isn’t enough it can be a large burden. I sit and think, “Why am I feeling like this when I have everything that I need to be happy? Why do I need more, or what is it that SHOULD make me happy?” I replay these questions and so many more many times a day when I’m in these moods. It’s never ending, and exhausting. While these thoughts might be exhausting to me I can only imagine the toll that it takes on my husband and son, my mother, and father, and my in-laws. I’m grateful enough to have an amazing support system within my family and they understand my depression. They get that sometimes I just need a hug, or to be left alone. When some people get depressed they get downright nasty and mean, taking everything, even the smallest thing and turn it into a fight, I get the opposite. I become introverted and overly-emotional. The thought of my son turning six has made me cry every day on my way to work as of late, my cat getting older makes me sad, and the thought of my brother maybe making it to my son’s birthday party had me in tears. Yes, most of these things are emotional, however, my depression takes that normal emotional feeling and turns it into a tidal wave of craziness. Thankfully the people around me get that making these times a little bit easier.

Because of all of these recent mood changes and funky feelings I recently made an appointment to meet with my doctor about my medication and to possibly switch over to something different or to perhaps just up my dose. For some people this might be an embarrassing topic, something that they feel ashamed about but for me it’s life. I live my life the best that I can and if it includes having to take a medication to help me feel better, and enjoy life then that’s the way that it is. I have come to terms with that. No one should ever feel ashamed for bettering themselves, as long as it is done in a healthy, and positive way. For me that positive and healthy thing right now is medication therapy, crossfit, and family/friends. This time next month I’ll hopefully have my medications, moods, and life back to normal, and I can focus more clearly on my workouts. This is not to be read that I haven’t been focused on attending classes, just that I have been going through the motions with little to no emotion about it which is almost as equally as terrible.

So to end this entry on a positive note, I’ve noticed my clothes fitting looser, the muscles in my arms starting to show, and that my legs have thinned out a lot! I have yet to go near a scale (those are scary) but I could almost guarantee that it is has gone down in the past month or two. These are huge incentives for me. The hard work that I’ve been putting in is finally becoming noticeable to me! They say it takes a while for you to notice change on yourself, and to actually see it is incredible. I can’t wait to see where I am in a couple of months, and even a year from now, bring on those “GUNS”! These changes wouldn’t have come without the opportunity that I was given by Eric and Sarah and I am forever grateful for that. These two amazing people have given me my life back, have given me the opportunity to change, and become the healthier, happier me that was hiding in that yucky fat, and unhealthy suit.

Here’s to more muscles, bigger lifts, and ALL THE FIT AIDS, I’ll see you all at the box.
Read more

The Darkside.

For the last couple of weeks my head has been in a really dark place. I have been in a funk, a haze; an overall incredibly un-Dawnlike mood.

Since starting Crossfit I haven’t found many days that I feel like this, my medications have been balanced out by the exercise, and my moods stabilized quite a bit. Crossfit has been a “wonder drug” in many ways but sometimes we have to talk about what happens when your “medication” fails.

For the most part of these past few weeks I’ve managed to save face while at Crossfit. I’ve smiled, joked around, and pushed as hard as my body and mind allowed but it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I saw my friends, my loved ones, my WOD scores, but they weren’t really there. I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since I was 15, so this is nothing new to me. I understand that there are ups and downs and for the most part I have had the depression/anxiety under control. I take medications to limit the depression/anxiety effects but sometimes those medications don’t work, stop working, or just aren’t enough. I try to surround myself with loving and caring people but again, sometimes those people aren’t enough. I also try to distract myself by reading, writing, or working out, again, sometimes that just isn’t enough. When what you think is enough isn’t enough it can be a large burden. I sit and think, “Why am I feeling like this when I have everything that I need to be happy? Why do I need more, or what is it that SHOULD make me happy?” I replay these questions and so many more many times a day when I’m in these moods. It’s never ending, and exhausting. While these thoughts might be exhausting to me I can only imagine the toll that it takes on my husband and son, my mother, and father, and my in-laws. I’m grateful enough to have an amazing support system within my family and they understand my depression. They get that sometimes I just need a hug, or to be left alone. When some people get depressed they get downright nasty and mean, taking everything, even the smallest thing and turn it into a fight, I get the opposite. I become introverted and overly-emotional. The thought of my son turning six has made me cry every day on my way to work as of late, my cat getting older makes me sad, and the thought of my brother maybe making it to my son’s birthday party had me in tears. Yes, most of these things are emotional, however, my depression takes that normal emotional feeling and turns it into a tidal wave of craziness. Thankfully the people around me get that making these times a little bit easier.

Because of all of these recent mood changes and funky feelings I recently made an appointment to meet with my doctor about my medication and to possibly switch over to something different or to perhaps just up my dose. For some people this might be an embarrassing topic, something that they feel ashamed about but for me it’s life. I live my life the best that I can and if it includes having to take a medication to help me feel better, and enjoy life then that’s the way that it is. I have come to terms with that. No one should ever feel ashamed for bettering themselves, as long as it is done in a healthy, and positive way. For me that positive and healthy thing right now is medication therapy, crossfit, and family/friends. This time next month I’ll hopefully have my medications, moods, and life back to normal, and I can focus more clearly on my workouts. This is not to be read that I haven’t been focused on attending classes, just that I have been going through the motions with little to no emotion about it which is almost as equally as terrible.

So to end this entry on a positive note, I’ve noticed my clothes fitting looser, the muscles in my arms starting to show, and that my legs have thinned out a lot! I have yet to go near a scale (those are scary) but I could almost guarantee that it is has gone down in the past month or two. These are huge incentives for me. The hard work that I’ve been putting in is finally becoming noticeable to me! They say it takes a while for you to notice change on yourself, and to actually see it is incredible. I can’t wait to see where I am in a couple of months, and even a year from now, bring on those “GUNS”! These changes wouldn’t have come without the opportunity that I was given by Eric and Sarah and I am forever grateful for that. These two amazing people have given me my life back, have given me the opportunity to change, and become the healthier, happier me that was hiding in that yucky fat, and unhealthy suit.

Here’s to more muscles, bigger lifts, and ALL THE FIT AIDS, I’ll see you all at the box.
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Just Some Tuesday Gains!

GAINS!

So in the past 8 months of CrossFit I’ve had my ups and downs, gains and losses but yesterday during CrossFit Total I noticed a significant amount of progress aka GAINS! When I saw this WOD posted the night before (as I actively creep the WODs the night before regularly) I was pumped. This was a PR WOD, and I was more than determined to hit new PR’s on everything. I walked into the box last night with confidence; these PR’s will be CRUSHED.

First up was a back squat. I wasn’t sure what my PR for a back squat was but I knew it was in the high 100’s. I love squatting so I knew that adding heavy weight to this movement would be awesome. Steph and I started off light as directed and built up to our previous 1 rep max (my guessed max) of 185lbs. I got the 185lbs easily and added more weight. I got up to 205lbs as time ran out and we were suggested to move on to the next movement. I honestly think I could have done more than 205lbs, probably something along the lines of 220-225lbs but .. a PR of 205lbs with a gain of 20lbs is something that I am wicked proud of. That back squat gain is huge, and I now I know that I can add more and crush 205lbs the next time this movement comes up.

The second movement was a strict press. This movement is actually something that I do more than I should. When we are supposed to jerk weight I always strict press it so it made me laugh a bit when I saw it in the WOD. My arms and presses in general (pushups) are something that I struggle with. I’m incredibly powerful in my legs but vastly weaker in my arms/shoulders. My previous PR for a strict press was 65lbs. Mind you that PR was made way back when I started CrossFit, and I hadn’t tried to PR on it since. I went into this completely weight blind. I honestly didn’t know where I would end up. Building up and past 65lbs was great, I finally ended at 95lbs. That’s a gain of 30lbs! I couldn’t have been happier. I wanted more than anything to break 100lbs but it wasn’t happening. I was struggling a great deal with my right arm/shoulder, and just couldn’t get it to move. I’ll take a PR of 95lbs and I know that 100lbs is right around the corner.

Lastly it was DEADLIFT TIME! I LOVE DEADLIFTS. I’m not sure why I love this movement so much; it destroys my body (Not really. It just exhausts me.), it’s incredibly hard, if you do it wrong you can really hurt yourself, and you are really doing nothing more than lifting weight off the ground. But let me tell you, that simple act of lifting all of the weight from the floor to my hips makes me feel like Wonder Woman. I didn’t know a lot of ladies before I started CrossFit that could lift 300lbs of dead weight off of the ground but now I know many, and I am included in that list. BOOM! Yesterday I didn’t PR on my deadlift; I was actually 5lbs under. I’m not upset about it really. I could sit here and beat myself up over it but what is the sense. I went in, I did my best, and my best just wasn’t over 300lbs yesterday. 295lbs is still a TON of weight, and I’m so proud of myself for lifting it and fighting through the final pull. At the end of the day 295lbs is an amazing score and there will always be another chance to get that 305lbs.

CrossFit Total day was an all-around success. I saw gains, and I saw losses. The losses didn’t bum me out and that’s progress for me. The old Dawn would be bummed out and discouraged. I’d even consider giving up. But new Dawn is now determined to beat that 300lbs PR, and get to 305lbs. It’s doable, and I know that it will be reached before my year is up. The gains though that I reached during this WOD have inspired me. This is my body making these awesome changes. This is my body lifting all of this heavy weight, and increasing it steadily. This isn’t anything that I ever pictured myself doing but now that I’m doing it it’s something that I can’t ever picture myself not doing. PLUS .. my TOTAL score was 595lbs & thats something to be damn proud of.

Footnote: A HUGE Thanks to Emily, Stephanie, & Sarah! I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I am without my little support group of ladies. I love my CrossFit lady friends. These women fight through their weights, make huge gains, and push me to do the same. The women are my cheerleaders, my inspiration, my accountability partners, and my support system when I need it. I honestly don’t think I would be where I am, with the successes that I’ve had without them. Here’s to you ladies, I love you all. ​

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Obstacles

Obstacles: Well I’ve decided that it’s only an obstacle if you let it get in the way…… So with that being said I decided it was time to take a closer look at what some of my true obstacles have been both within the time frame of my Cross-Fit journey and beyond. In searching all the obstacles I came to realize it’s ME and only ME. I need to get out of my own way !! I’ve recently closed out the month of May, looked back at how many WODs I’ve done and the added cardio I’ve been putting in and been proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. I was feeling good and more importantly strong. Thanks to the great coaches, in the month of May I was able to do things I hadn’t been able to do before like progress to heavier weights/kettlebells, plank and even jog outside. It was a good feeling. I was actually looking forward to my weigh-in and that has never happened. I think towards the end of May I thought I might actually have been able to see changes in the mirror. So that last Saturday in May would be the true confirmation for me, I knew a double digit weight loss must be a lock and I couldn’t wait to hear it. Well the dream came to a crashing end when Eric let me know I had only lost ONE pound since my April weigh-in. Now some of you might think I’m crazy but I don’t honestly know how much I weigh nor at this point do I want to know. There is a history there and I don’t want to revisit an obsession with the scale. Besides as long as the number is a negative I’m ok with it or so I thought. Of course Eric being the supportive coach that he is assured me not to let it bother me that he was seeing improvements and that I shouldn’t let that one pound bother me. Easier said than done. I was hurt and confused and the 45 minute ride home wasn’t pretty. I was unrealistically sure I gained back all the weight I had lost in an instant, I was completely disappointed in myself. I avoided everybody for 48 hours in fear that I would disappoint people with my pathetic ONE pound. Could this be that point like so many times before where giving up would be the only option………………………. Well thanks to many of you, without knowing it, you have helped me. The answer was HELL NO!! A little voice inside me said SUCK IT UP BUTTER CUP you need to figure out your plan of attack for the ½ Murph you plan on doing Monday. So obstacle overcome! Look at that!
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Some struggles are for life.

Happy June, CrossFit Family! We are officially into the summer months and it’s time to SWEAT! Who’s excited? Raise your shakers up if you are!

So over the weekend I was in a very uncomfortable situation. While outside cleaning out my CrossFit bag (it STANK!) I was approached by neighbors (whom I know and have hung out with), they told me that I looked great, and that they loved keeping up with my journey and blog. I was obviously really happy about this (as I wasn’t even sure that people read these) and said my thanks and when about my way cleaning.

Now being that it was Memorial Day weekend everyone was drinking (myself not included), people were feeling a bit free with their words. While discussing CrossFit and my journey with this couple they asked what my goal weight was. I told them that I didn’t really have a “weight goal”, that my goal was to get healthier and stronger. I have a deadlift goal, and a push-up goal, but my main goal wasn’t necessarily about weight. They didn’t believe me and kept asking about weight, how much I’d lost, how much I wanted to lose, etc. This was incredibly frustrating. I tried to explain to them that CrossFit for me wasn’t about the weight loss that it was about being a healthier, happier me, to make a transformation inside and outside. I knew that I should have let it go there but they kept pressing. “What was your lowest weight?” I replied with, “93lbs”. This made them laugh and then ask again. I replied with the same answer. I then told them that I had one point in my life struggled with anorexia, and that it still haunts me. They laughed again, and then looked at my husband, “Well, she was smaller when you met her right?” Is this real? Was I really a part of this conversation? I felt like I was dreaming. I didn’t understand how my anorexia was funny, how people could so bluntly talk about my weight issues, and my demons. I wanted to scream, run away, or punch someone. I didn’t do any of the above but I walked away. I didn’t stay for whatever else was said afterwards, I was too angry, and upset.

That night I went to be early. I was struggling with an infection that wouldn’t go away, a realization that I would miss Murph because of it and I was deeply hurt by this discussion that happened at my expense. I understand that I’m not a size 2, I understand that I’m a bigger girl, and I understand that I may never get back to the weight I was in high school (I’m not sure I’d want to). But I also understand that I’m strong physically; I can deadlift nearly 300lbs, I can bench press 135, and I can back squat 200. I’m in turn mentally strong; I am beating depression/anxiety, I’m a recovering anorexic, I’m married to a fireman (he’s not stressful the situations his job puts him in can be), and have a 5 year old son with ADHD/ODD.

This past week though has had me thinking a lot about those comments. It’s easy to fall back into a habit of not eating, it’s easy to think, “I’m fat and I don’t need that.” I’ve struggled this week. I’ve struggled to stay away from those ideas, and my old “tricks”. I’m not saying that I haven’t skipped lunch, or thought about using laxatives as an alternative to binge eating something, but I’m saying I’m trying. This conversation was a lot for me to digest. If I didn’t have the support system that I have now I think that it would have sent me into a tailspin. I honestly believe that I would be skipping way more meals, shoving laxatives into my face, and going about my routine until I was down 6 dress sizes. I’m thankful for the opportunity that CrossFit Nashua has given me, and I’m thankful for the tools that they are providing me with to become a healthier me. Those tools are not just the work outs, the blogs, and the coaches, but they are the people too, Julia being one of my biggest “tools”. This girl has listened to me, guided me, hugged me, and helped me when I needed her the most. Words can’t begin to express my gratitude for her, and for the rest of my CFN family. You are truly my inspiration for a healthier me, no matter what the scale says.

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