Happy June, CrossFit Family! We are officially into the summer months and it’s time to SWEAT! Who’s excited? Raise your shakers up if you are!
So over the weekend I was in a very uncomfortable situation. While outside cleaning out my CrossFit bag (it STANK!) I was approached by neighbors (whom I know and have hung out with), they told me that I looked great, and that they loved keeping up with my journey and blog. I was obviously really happy about this (as I wasn’t even sure that people read these) and said my thanks and when about my way cleaning.
Now being that it was Memorial Day weekend everyone was drinking (myself not included), people were feeling a bit free with their words. While discussing CrossFit and my journey with this couple they asked what my goal weight was. I told them that I didn’t really have a “weight goal”, that my goal was to get healthier and stronger. I have a deadlift goal, and a push-up goal, but my main goal wasn’t necessarily about weight. They didn’t believe me and kept asking about weight, how much I’d lost, how much I wanted to lose, etc. This was incredibly frustrating. I tried to explain to them that CrossFit for me wasn’t about the weight loss that it was about being a healthier, happier me, to make a transformation inside and outside. I knew that I should have let it go there but they kept pressing. “What was your lowest weight?” I replied with, “93lbs”. This made them laugh and then ask again. I replied with the same answer. I then told them that I had one point in my life struggled with anorexia, and that it still haunts me. They laughed again, and then looked at my husband, “Well, she was smaller when you met her right?” Is this real? Was I really a part of this conversation? I felt like I was dreaming. I didn’t understand how my anorexia was funny, how people could so bluntly talk about my weight issues, and my demons. I wanted to scream, run away, or punch someone. I didn’t do any of the above but I walked away. I didn’t stay for whatever else was said afterwards, I was too angry, and upset.
That night I went to be early. I was struggling with an infection that wouldn’t go away, a realization that I would miss Murph because of it and I was deeply hurt by this discussion that happened at my expense. I understand that I’m not a size 2, I understand that I’m a bigger girl, and I understand that I may never get back to the weight I was in high school (I’m not sure I’d want to). But I also understand that I’m strong physically; I can deadlift nearly 300lbs, I can bench press 135, and I can back squat 200. I’m in turn mentally strong; I am beating depression/anxiety, I’m a recovering anorexic, I’m married to a fireman (he’s not stressful the situations his job puts him in can be), and have a 5 year old son with ADHD/ODD.
This past week though has had me thinking a lot about those comments. It’s easy to fall back into a habit of not eating, it’s easy to think, “I’m fat and I don’t need that.” I’ve struggled this week. I’ve struggled to stay away from those ideas, and my old “tricks”. I’m not saying that I haven’t skipped lunch, or thought about using laxatives as an alternative to binge eating something, but I’m saying I’m trying. This conversation was a lot for me to digest. If I didn’t have the support system that I have now I think that it would have sent me into a tailspin. I honestly believe that I would be skipping way more meals, shoving laxatives into my face, and going about my routine until I was down 6 dress sizes. I’m thankful for the opportunity that CrossFit Nashua has given me, and I’m thankful for the tools that they are providing me with to become a healthier me. Those tools are not just the work outs, the blogs, and the coaches, but they are the people too, Julia being one of my biggest “tools”. This girl has listened to me, guided me, hugged me, and helped me when I needed her the most. Words can’t begin to express my gratitude for her, and for the rest of my CFN family. You are truly my inspiration for a healthier me, no matter what the scale says.