Primal Athletics Blog: News, Events, Promotions

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

One Year! It's My Anniversary!

It’s my ONE YEAR Crossfit’iversary!

One year ago today, I walked into Crossfit Nashua; exhausted, a bit hung-over (wedding the night before), and completely unprepared for what was about to happen. When I first walked into the box I was greeted with smiles, and warmth; these people radiated genuine kindness, and sincerity. As I sat down for small presentation by one of the owners Eric my stomach was doing flip-flops, and my mind was filling with doubt. “What did I sign up for? Were we really doing a “real” workout today? Why did I come here? These people around me deserve this SO MUCH MORE than me.” While I was mindlessly drifting I missed half of the presentation, and was all of a sudden being asked to get up to workout. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, the workout was brutal, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and I wanted to give up and walk out of the door. After the workout was over I could hardly move, but I was incredibly proud that I survived. Later that evening I was offered a chance to endure a yearlong challenge with the 4 others whom worked out with me. I accepted, and couldn’t wait to get started. Now here is where I get brutally honest with myself, and with all of you. In the beginning I was dedicated, I ate right, I exercised, I blogged. I was on a roll, and felt great. As the months progressed though I slipped up, I veered off course, and lost dedication. I made excuses for myself, I struggled with injuries, and I got depressed. I tried (although not hard enough to get back on course) but it seemed like an uphill battle. My self-worth was failing but my box-mates strength, and kindness for me never faltered. Without the many messages, check-ins, and kind words from the many people that I work out with or cross paths with I would have most certainly dropped Crossfit back in July; just because it was the easy way out. I thank the stars for each one of you kind people, you are the reason that I am still here.

Fast forward to September, a Clean Eating Challenge was mentioned and I saw this as an opportunity for redemption. I swore to myself that I was going to do this, and that I was going to do everything in my power to follow the rules strictly. I wasn’t going to let this last opportunity that I had this year slip through my fingers. So I signed up, (Well Emily signed me up. HIGH FIVE [15 still owed.].) started prepping my meals, starting marking my calendar with dates of workouts, and downloaded some apps to map out my progress. I was in it to win it. It was about to go down!

The first week was hard, I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired, and cranky, but I stuck with it. I made my workouts, I met my macros, and calories, and I did so pretty easily. I had one cheat day for my birthday and I felt it the Monday following during my birthday burpees. It was almost a modest reminder of, “Hey jerk, you’re working your ass off. Don’t blow it with one night of boozing.” The second week was more of a struggle, my macros weren’t matching what I wanted, and my calories were way under. I started to panic. What was happening? Into week three I’m killing it. I’m prepping away, meeting macros, calories, and FEELING AMAZING. I am down quite a few inches in my waist, my thighs, my shoulders, and chest! I hadn’t stepped on a scale since September 26th so I decided to do so this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, I’M DOWN 12 POUNDS!” HOMERUN FOR THE HOME TEAM! I’m more than thrilled that this change in diet in exercise has gotten me to where I am, and only at 2 ½ weeks in. I could sit here and feel poorly about not giving it my 100% this entire time, and reflect about how I could be a lot farther in my fitness journey than where I am but I’m not going to do that. I’m proud that something finally clicked inside me, I’m proud that I made this change for me and that I am doing a wonderful job sticking to it. I am also incredibly proud to look back at my past year of Crossfit and see not only the struggles that I made it through but to see the friends and the family that I made. I am truly a better person because of Crossfit Nashua, and this may only be my One Year Anniversary but it certainly isn’t my last.

Read more

Just Keep Swimming.

HEYYYYY FRIENDS!

So I haven’t blogged in a bit and I do apologize. Life has gotten crazy; I’ve suffered some substantial injuries, and I could go on and on with excused but I won’t. I want to get right to the nitty-griity, I want to get into how I’ve felt, how I’ve pushed through, and who has been there to help me.

First: Let’s talk about how injuries affect an athlete. Someone who has never suffered from a major injury might not have any idea that an injury is not only physical but largely mental. I fractured my back in August and was at an all-time low in my crossfit training throughout the end of the month, and through September. I was depressed that I couldn’t workout, I was depressed that the progress that I had made was going away, I was depressed that I was depressed. I was watching myself at one end of a rope watching it slip through my hands into a black hole. I was in a terrible place workout wise. I wasn’t eating terribly, but I wasn’t eating the best. I didn’t put on any weight, but I also wasn’t gaining any muscle. It was devastating. As I was struggling through this injury a few things happened. 1. I had three very important people pass away within a month of one another. It seemed as if my life was on a repetitive cycle of wakes, and funerals. I couldn’t get out of my own way, emotion wise. I was dragged down by sadness, and the inability to do anything to help anyone. I just didn’t want ANYTHING, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything either. I was an emotional mess. 2. I made excuses and got mad (and still do sometimes, I’m working on it, Em. I promise) when people called me out on it. I didn’t want to go to the box. I didn’t want to be talked to; I didn’t want to be pushed. I wanted to lie down. I wanted to just melt away. 3. I found my will power and fought back. I can’t say that it was instant, like an “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR?” moment but it was a realization that needed to happen for sure. (I’ll get more into this shortly.) My will power had been lost in depression; it was hiding deep inside me and it needed a way out. That way out just happened to be the “30 Day Challenge” and a goal setting program that I set up for myself. We can’t depend on people for a 100% regain of our will power and motivation but the challenge took some heat off of me and made it feel a lot less scary, 50% on me 50% on the challenge. In the end it’s 100% me but breaking it down this way makes me feel a lot better about achieving it.

Second: Getting back to the gym. This may sound really weird and even a bit foolish but going back to the gym was hard. I felt like I was going to be judged for being a spaz, for missing so much, for losing my gains. This was all of course in my head. I knew in my heart that none of this was real, I was creating my own daemons; I was creating excuses. I needed to (and did) push back on these excuses and get into the gym because I knew that once I got in there I would be accepted, I would be welcomed, and pushed. That first day back at CFN was anxiety ridden, and oh so frustrating. I wasn’t as strong as I remembered, and silly things had me winded. I was guilt ridden, and broken leaving. I missed the next few classes with a vow to start fresh on the following Monday. Well instead of waiting, I talked myself into going back that Wednesday. I went in Wednesday ready to lift, ready to kill the workout. I wanted to get my frustration out on some barbells, but that wasn’t going to happen. In true Crossfit fashion, what I had prepared for wasn’t what was being dished out. I was totally unprepared for the 5K that was now the WOD and was beyond angry. (Probably more angry than necessary.) I could have turned around when I heard that the WOD was changed, I could have pretended that I was never there, and snuck back into my jeep with my tail behind my legs but I didn’t. I knew that running the whole thing or even most of the 5K was going to be impossible because my back was still healing, and the jolting motion of running hurts it a lot, but I’d be damned if I just talked myself into coming here and not WOD’ing was going to happen. So, I walked, jogged, ran, walk-jogged and every variation in between. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I showed up, and finished what I set out to do and it felt great. I knew after this WOD that I was going to be back on track. It was just the beginning of my new journey and I wasn’t going to let mental blocks get in my way. Until …. The week after this WOD we ended up with another running WOD. I freaked out again, firing in rapid concession my anger, and hesitation to Emily, who in her own Emily way told me not to be a baby and do the WOD as intended and modify if I needed to. I told her I wanted to lift, and I wanted to do more weights rather than run. She, being my daily dose of reality, told me that I should really just do the WOD. She was right. I needed to do the WOD but I got grouchy, took out my misguided anger on her, and WOD’d in spite of it all. I felt 100% better once I had finished it, and wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Em’s voice in the back of my head telling me that I needed to. I’m forever in her debt for being that annoying (yet loving) voice that I can always rely on to bring me down a few notches and put me in my place. I owe you a lot. Thank you. (Including 15 bucks for the challenge, remind me to get that to you!)

Third: Getting back to where I was. Slowing I am making progress back to where I was at with my crossfit journey. I’m finally excited again for WOD’s, excited for lifting heavy and planning my goals for each workout. I’m still not excited about running, but I am getting better at it. I ran most of an 800M run last week, after rowing for 2500m and doing deadlifts. I think that over time my body (more my mind) will stop revolting at the idea of a run, and maybe I’ll start to enjoy it, or hate it less. Either way, I’m on my way. Since starting the Food Challenge at the gym I’ve felt better, I’m clear headed, and I have more energy, and am less bloated. Since WOD’ing again I’m in a better mood; smiling more, and getting out of my comfort zone with a little less complaining (running). I know that getting back to where I was over a month ago won’t happen overnight, and I know that it won’t happen in a week, but I know that with time and patience it will happen, and it will be better than I could have ever imagined.

I just need to keep swimming.
Read more

Just Keep Swimming.

HEYYYYY FRIENDS!

So I haven’t blogged in a bit and I do apologize. Life has gotten crazy; I’ve suffered some substantial injuries, and I could go on and on with excused but I won’t. I want to get right to the nitty-griity, I want to get into how I’ve felt, how I’ve pushed through, and who has been there to help me.

First: Let’s talk about how injuries affect an athlete. Someone who has never suffered from a major injury might not have any idea that an injury is not only physical but largely mental. I fractured my back in August and was at an all-time low in my crossfit training throughout the end of the month, and through September. I was depressed that I couldn’t workout, I was depressed that the progress that I had made was going away, I was depressed that I was depressed. I was watching myself at one end of a rope watching it slip through my hands into a black hole. I was in a terrible place workout wise. I wasn’t eating terribly, but I wasn’t eating the best. I didn’t put on any weight, but I also wasn’t gaining any muscle. It was devastating. As I was struggling through this injury a few things happened. 1. I had three very important people pass away within a month of one another. It seemed as if my life was on a repetitive cycle of wakes, and funerals. I couldn’t get out of my own way, emotion wise. I was dragged down by sadness, and the inability to do anything to help anyone. I just didn’t want ANYTHING, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything either. I was an emotional mess. 2. I made excuses and got mad (and still do sometimes, I’m working on it, Em. I promise) when people called me out on it. I didn’t want to go to the box. I didn’t want to be talked to; I didn’t want to be pushed. I wanted to lie down. I wanted to just melt away. 3. I found my will power and fought back. I can’t say that it was instant, like an “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR?” moment but it was a realization that needed to happen for sure. (I’ll get more into this shortly.) My will power had been lost in depression; it was hiding deep inside me and it needed a way out. That way out just happened to be the “30 Day Challenge” and a goal setting program that I set up for myself. We can’t depend on people for a 100% regain of our will power and motivation but the challenge took some heat off of me and made it feel a lot less scary, 50% on me 50% on the challenge. In the end it’s 100% me but breaking it down this way makes me feel a lot better about achieving it.

Second: Getting back to the gym. This may sound really weird and even a bit foolish but going back to the gym was hard. I felt like I was going to be judged for being a spaz, for missing so much, for losing my gains. This was all of course in my head. I knew in my heart that none of this was real, I was creating my own daemons; I was creating excuses. I needed to (and did) push back on these excuses and get into the gym because I knew that once I got in there I would be accepted, I would be welcomed, and pushed. That first day back at CFN was anxiety ridden, and oh so frustrating. I wasn’t as strong as I remembered, and silly things had me winded. I was guilt ridden, and broken leaving. I missed the next few classes with a vow to start fresh on the following Monday. Well instead of waiting, I talked myself into going back that Wednesday. I went in Wednesday ready to lift, ready to kill the workout. I wanted to get my frustration out on some barbells, but that wasn’t going to happen. In true Crossfit fashion, what I had prepared for wasn’t what was being dished out. I was totally unprepared for the 5K that was now the WOD and was beyond angry. (Probably more angry than necessary.) I could have turned around when I heard that the WOD was changed, I could have pretended that I was never there, and snuck back into my jeep with my tail behind my legs but I didn’t. I knew that running the whole thing or even most of the 5K was going to be impossible because my back was still healing, and the jolting motion of running hurts it a lot, but I’d be damned if I just talked myself into coming here and not WOD’ing was going to happen. So, I walked, jogged, ran, walk-jogged and every variation in between. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I showed up, and finished what I set out to do and it felt great. I knew after this WOD that I was going to be back on track. It was just the beginning of my new journey and I wasn’t going to let mental blocks get in my way. Until …. The week after this WOD we ended up with another running WOD. I freaked out again, firing in rapid concession my anger, and hesitation to Emily, who in her own Emily way told me not to be a baby and do the WOD as intended and modify if I needed to. I told her I wanted to lift, and I wanted to do more weights rather than run. She, being my daily dose of reality, told me that I should really just do the WOD. She was right. I needed to do the WOD but I got grouchy, took out my misguided anger on her, and WOD’d in spite of it all. I felt 100% better once I had finished it, and wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Em’s voice in the back of my head telling me that I needed to. I’m forever in her debt for being that annoying (yet loving) voice that I can always rely on to bring me down a few notches and put me in my place. I owe you a lot. Thank you. (Including 15 bucks for the challenge, remind me to get that to you!)

Third: Getting back to where I was. Slowing I am making progress back to where I was at with my crossfit journey. I’m finally excited again for WOD’s, excited for lifting heavy and planning my goals for each workout. I’m still not excited about running, but I am getting better at it. I ran most of an 800M run last week, after rowing for 2500m and doing deadlifts. I think that over time my body (more my mind) will stop revolting at the idea of a run, and maybe I’ll start to enjoy it, or hate it less. Either way, I’m on my way. Since starting the Food Challenge at the gym I’ve felt better, I’m clear headed, and I have more energy, and am less bloated. Since WOD’ing again I’m in a better mood; smiling more, and getting out of my comfort zone with a little less complaining (running). I know that getting back to where I was over a month ago won’t happen overnight, and I know that it won’t happen in a week, but I know that with time and patience it will happen, and it will be better than I could have ever imagined.

I just need to keep swimming.
Read more

The Darkside.

For the last couple of weeks my head has been in a really dark place. I have been in a funk, a haze; an overall incredibly un-Dawnlike mood.

Since starting Crossfit I haven’t found many days that I feel like this, my medications have been balanced out by the exercise, and my moods stabilized quite a bit. Crossfit has been a “wonder drug” in many ways but sometimes we have to talk about what happens when your “medication” fails.

For the most part of these past few weeks I’ve managed to save face while at Crossfit. I’ve smiled, joked around, and pushed as hard as my body and mind allowed but it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I saw my friends, my loved ones, my WOD scores, but they weren’t really there. I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since I was 15, so this is nothing new to me. I understand that there are ups and downs and for the most part I have had the depression/anxiety under control. I take medications to limit the depression/anxiety effects but sometimes those medications don’t work, stop working, or just aren’t enough. I try to surround myself with loving and caring people but again, sometimes those people aren’t enough. I also try to distract myself by reading, writing, or working out, again, sometimes that just isn’t enough. When what you think is enough isn’t enough it can be a large burden. I sit and think, “Why am I feeling like this when I have everything that I need to be happy? Why do I need more, or what is it that SHOULD make me happy?” I replay these questions and so many more many times a day when I’m in these moods. It’s never ending, and exhausting. While these thoughts might be exhausting to me I can only imagine the toll that it takes on my husband and son, my mother, and father, and my in-laws. I’m grateful enough to have an amazing support system within my family and they understand my depression. They get that sometimes I just need a hug, or to be left alone. When some people get depressed they get downright nasty and mean, taking everything, even the smallest thing and turn it into a fight, I get the opposite. I become introverted and overly-emotional. The thought of my son turning six has made me cry every day on my way to work as of late, my cat getting older makes me sad, and the thought of my brother maybe making it to my son’s birthday party had me in tears. Yes, most of these things are emotional, however, my depression takes that normal emotional feeling and turns it into a tidal wave of craziness. Thankfully the people around me get that making these times a little bit easier.

Because of all of these recent mood changes and funky feelings I recently made an appointment to meet with my doctor about my medication and to possibly switch over to something different or to perhaps just up my dose. For some people this might be an embarrassing topic, something that they feel ashamed about but for me it’s life. I live my life the best that I can and if it includes having to take a medication to help me feel better, and enjoy life then that’s the way that it is. I have come to terms with that. No one should ever feel ashamed for bettering themselves, as long as it is done in a healthy, and positive way. For me that positive and healthy thing right now is medication therapy, crossfit, and family/friends. This time next month I’ll hopefully have my medications, moods, and life back to normal, and I can focus more clearly on my workouts. This is not to be read that I haven’t been focused on attending classes, just that I have been going through the motions with little to no emotion about it which is almost as equally as terrible.

So to end this entry on a positive note, I’ve noticed my clothes fitting looser, the muscles in my arms starting to show, and that my legs have thinned out a lot! I have yet to go near a scale (those are scary) but I could almost guarantee that it is has gone down in the past month or two. These are huge incentives for me. The hard work that I’ve been putting in is finally becoming noticeable to me! They say it takes a while for you to notice change on yourself, and to actually see it is incredible. I can’t wait to see where I am in a couple of months, and even a year from now, bring on those “GUNS”! These changes wouldn’t have come without the opportunity that I was given by Eric and Sarah and I am forever grateful for that. These two amazing people have given me my life back, have given me the opportunity to change, and become the healthier, happier me that was hiding in that yucky fat, and unhealthy suit.

Here’s to more muscles, bigger lifts, and ALL THE FIT AIDS, I’ll see you all at the box.
Read more

The Darkside.

For the last couple of weeks my head has been in a really dark place. I have been in a funk, a haze; an overall incredibly un-Dawnlike mood.

Since starting Crossfit I haven’t found many days that I feel like this, my medications have been balanced out by the exercise, and my moods stabilized quite a bit. Crossfit has been a “wonder drug” in many ways but sometimes we have to talk about what happens when your “medication” fails.

For the most part of these past few weeks I’ve managed to save face while at Crossfit. I’ve smiled, joked around, and pushed as hard as my body and mind allowed but it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I saw my friends, my loved ones, my WOD scores, but they weren’t really there. I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since I was 15, so this is nothing new to me. I understand that there are ups and downs and for the most part I have had the depression/anxiety under control. I take medications to limit the depression/anxiety effects but sometimes those medications don’t work, stop working, or just aren’t enough. I try to surround myself with loving and caring people but again, sometimes those people aren’t enough. I also try to distract myself by reading, writing, or working out, again, sometimes that just isn’t enough. When what you think is enough isn’t enough it can be a large burden. I sit and think, “Why am I feeling like this when I have everything that I need to be happy? Why do I need more, or what is it that SHOULD make me happy?” I replay these questions and so many more many times a day when I’m in these moods. It’s never ending, and exhausting. While these thoughts might be exhausting to me I can only imagine the toll that it takes on my husband and son, my mother, and father, and my in-laws. I’m grateful enough to have an amazing support system within my family and they understand my depression. They get that sometimes I just need a hug, or to be left alone. When some people get depressed they get downright nasty and mean, taking everything, even the smallest thing and turn it into a fight, I get the opposite. I become introverted and overly-emotional. The thought of my son turning six has made me cry every day on my way to work as of late, my cat getting older makes me sad, and the thought of my brother maybe making it to my son’s birthday party had me in tears. Yes, most of these things are emotional, however, my depression takes that normal emotional feeling and turns it into a tidal wave of craziness. Thankfully the people around me get that making these times a little bit easier.

Because of all of these recent mood changes and funky feelings I recently made an appointment to meet with my doctor about my medication and to possibly switch over to something different or to perhaps just up my dose. For some people this might be an embarrassing topic, something that they feel ashamed about but for me it’s life. I live my life the best that I can and if it includes having to take a medication to help me feel better, and enjoy life then that’s the way that it is. I have come to terms with that. No one should ever feel ashamed for bettering themselves, as long as it is done in a healthy, and positive way. For me that positive and healthy thing right now is medication therapy, crossfit, and family/friends. This time next month I’ll hopefully have my medications, moods, and life back to normal, and I can focus more clearly on my workouts. This is not to be read that I haven’t been focused on attending classes, just that I have been going through the motions with little to no emotion about it which is almost as equally as terrible.

So to end this entry on a positive note, I’ve noticed my clothes fitting looser, the muscles in my arms starting to show, and that my legs have thinned out a lot! I have yet to go near a scale (those are scary) but I could almost guarantee that it is has gone down in the past month or two. These are huge incentives for me. The hard work that I’ve been putting in is finally becoming noticeable to me! They say it takes a while for you to notice change on yourself, and to actually see it is incredible. I can’t wait to see where I am in a couple of months, and even a year from now, bring on those “GUNS”! These changes wouldn’t have come without the opportunity that I was given by Eric and Sarah and I am forever grateful for that. These two amazing people have given me my life back, have given me the opportunity to change, and become the healthier, happier me that was hiding in that yucky fat, and unhealthy suit.

Here’s to more muscles, bigger lifts, and ALL THE FIT AIDS, I’ll see you all at the box.
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